Forgiveness and Health

Five Steps to Letting Go of the Pain from the Past

Forgiveness can be learned. And the process is the same, no matter how severe the offense. Of course, the worse the offense, the harder one must work to achieve forgiveness.

Forgiveness training first involves having a clear understanding of forgiveness. Remember, forgiveness is not condoning, pardoning or excusing the offender. It is acknowledging that although you may not be responsible for what happened, you are fully responsible for your long-term attitude.

In-depth forgiveness is not an epiphany or a one-time event. It takes practice and patience. But the rewards are powerful.

Research has shown that just having an intellectual understanding of forgiveness is not enough. Practices such as journal writing and visualization help to calm and reorient the mind, body and emotions.

Getting Started

Stress reduction research has found that writing about important personal experiences in an emotional way for as little as 15 minutes over the course of three days can improve mental and physical health.

You can begin your forgiveness journey by keeping a Forgiveness Journal.

The following Five Steps (see worksheet) will help you begin the process of forgiveness by developing self-awareness and sorting through your emotions.

Step 1: UNDERSTAND FORGIVENESS AND DECIDE TO FORGIVE:

Allow yourself to be honest: you may not be ready to forgive. You may need more information about forgiveness to determine if you are ready to begin the process.

First, realize that forgiveness can be either an altruistic act or a gift to yourself. Forgiveness does not require that you reconcile with the offender. It does not require that you pardon, condone or excuse the offending behavior. It does require that you wish to assume responsibility for your own behaviors and emotions.

If you have made the choice, write down your willingness to have forgiveness as a goal. Just making the decision that “I need to stop being furious with _____” is a powerful beginning.

Step 2: ACKNOWLEDGE PAINFUL EMOTIONS

To really let go of your grievance, you need to release not only the memory of what happened, but also the feelings that you had at the time. If you just try to let go of the memory without getting in touch with the feelings, your forgiveness will only be intellectual. You can’t achieve peace of mind without first admitting to, then letting go of the actual feelings.

Fully acknowledge the painful emotions caused by the grievance. Don't try to “forgive and forget.” Trying to forget is a form of denial that doesn’t work. A crucial step in healing is actually allowing yourself to fully feel your pain. Think about how you were hurt and how you feel right now. In order to forgive, you have to remember. Confront your resentment, pain and anger. This isn’t easy – but you can’t let go of emotions that you haven’t first fully owned.

For the next entry in your Forgiveness Journal (after you’ve written out your intent to forgive), remember one specific grievance and describe what happened.

What did the offender do?

If you are forgiving yourself, what did you do?

How did you feel at the time it happened? Be brutally honest with yourself. Go beneath the surface. If you just remember feeling anger, can you identify that there was hurt and sadness beneath the anger? How about shame and feelings of worthlessness? If you’re forgiving yourself, did you feel jealous or inferior at the time?

How has the grievance affected your life?

How does the grievance affect you today?

Now list some of the ways you have attempted to remedy the problem. Did you express your feelings to the offender?

If you are forgiving yourself, how have you attempted to take responsibility for your action and make amends? You can’t begin to forgive yourself if you’ve never attempted to make amends.

Step 3: UNCOVER YOUR RESISTANCE

In order to forgive, you must fully evaluate what you stand to lose if you let go of your grievance. When people come into therapy, I generally tell them that there is risk involved in developing their self-awareness. The more self-aware we are, the more we know we must change. Change can often be frightening – but it leads to growth.

For your next Journal entries, describe in writing what life will be like without constantly carrying the grievance in your heart.

Here are some thought-starters:

Do you use anger as a way to make you feel safe?

Do you use guilt or anger to control or manipulate others?

Do you use the grievance as a way to avoid communication?

Do you use silence as a weapon?

Do you hold onto the pain from the past as an excuse for not taking charge of your life today?

Do you secretly wish to punish the offender?

Begin to uncover your own resistance to the forgiveness process. You may believe that if you forgive the offender, it is a sign of weakness, and you will experience a loss of control or power. Or you may not be ready to give up your desire for vindication. You may want to retaliate and cause the person who hurt you to suffer as much as you.

But remember: unless you learn to let go of the pain from the past, you continue
to give the offender the power to control you – and your long term health.

Step 4. CHANGE YOUR PERCEPTION

Empathy involves seeing things from another person’s point of view, feeling the person’s feelings and identifying with the pressures that made the person hurt you or made you hurt another.

Learn to change your perception of the offender through developing empathy and compassion. If you can see that the offender didn’t intend to hurt you personally – but was acting out of his/her own pain and fear -- then forgiveness becomes easier. Try to understand the offender in the context of the whole of his or her life.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said it best:
“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in
each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”

Empathy is essential for forgiveness. It means imagining life from the perspective of the offender. Try to imagine walking in the offender’s shoes. What was his or her life like growing up? What was happening at the time of the offense?

Remember, when people act badly, their behavior is always coming from a place of internal pain. A person who has an open and loving heart does not hurt others. And as you begin to empathize, your own heart will soften, and it will be easier to develop the compassion that forgiveness requires.

In your next journal entries, try to see the grievance objectively. Think about these questions, and write down your responses:

Forgiving Others

Is there anything in the other person’s background that could explain the offensive behavior?

What was his/her life like growing up?

Write down what you think may have been happening at the time of the offense.

What was the offender’s self-image at the time?

How would your offender explain the harmful acts?

Try to figure out what the motivation might have been.

Self-Forgiveness

If you’re forgiving yourself, use your journal to record your development of self-compassion.

We learn self-compassion by remembering that when we behave badly, it is because of deep feelings of pain.

Remember, we forgive ourselves for doing wrong—not being wrong. If you are forgiving yourself, write down your responses to these questions:

Was the offense an accident?

Were you negligent or did you offend on purpose?

Is there anything in your background that would explain your hurtful, inconsiderate or otherwise poor behavior?

What feelings and pressures made you behave badly?

Continue to work in your journey and keep a written record of your progress in cultivating compassionate thoughts and behavior.

Step 5: Mind-Body Strategies

The decision alone is not enough. Forgiveness must be learned via an ongoing process. As you continue to record your thoughts in your Forgiveness Journal, try the following exercises to help you release the pain from the past and find inner peace.

VENT YOUR EMOTIONS: Write in your Journal (but don’t send)
a Forgiveness Letter in which you express your feelings to the
person you are forgiving or asking forgiveness from.

COMPOSE A NEW STORY: Write a new narrative about yourself
where you go from being a victim – to a hero!

Begin by trying to view the situation differently. See yourself as having done the best you could under difficult circumstances (remember: you didn’t know then what you know now). Perhaps you had no power to change the situation. Or maybe you were bound by other obligations. What meaning, other than the offense to you, can you find in what happened?

The story always ends with you as victor: you have fought your way to a new understanding of your life and the other person, and through forgiveness, you have mastered your emotions, cleansed yourself of pain, and determined that it is you who are in control from now on!

Visualization: Sit in a comfortable position with your eyes closed. Take a few deep, cleansing breaths. Relax your body, starting with your feet and moving up to your head. Imagine that you are breathing in and out through the heart and allow the spaciousness of your heart to expand. Visualize the person you have decided to forgive, and bring the image of the offender into your heart. Imagine that an energy cord connects you both. Wish the person well and then affirm, “I am releasing the pain from the past.” And then cut the cord.

Affirmation: Every day, affirm in writing your decision to forgive (e.g., “I am letting go of the past and I forgive __________”).

Self-Talk: Monitor the silent conversations that go on in your head. Are you still replaying the grudge in your mind? Do you hear yourself having angry, resentful thoughts about the offender? Do you still hear yourself blaming? You can challenge this self-talk by asking yourself, “Would I rather be right or would I rather have peace of mind?”

Meditation/Prayer: Asking God or a Higher Power for help can support the forgiveness process.

Stress Busters: When you find anger and resentment building, focus on your breath. Notice the physical sensation of breathing in and out, and mentally recite words such as "peace" or "love" with each breath. Or you can take a walk, listen to soothing music, remember pleasant memories, and enjoy the beauty of nature.

Cultivate Gratitude: Remember that no matter what happened in the past, you still have much to be thankful for.

Devote a section of your Forgiveness Journal to gratitude. Before you go to bed each night, list five things that you are grateful for. You may even be grateful for learning to forgive. Remember, the more you learn to forgive others, the easier it becomes to forgive yourself!

You can find additional exercises on this website as well as in other resources and links.

GOOD LUCK!


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	Five Steps to Letting Go of the Pain from the Past Forgiveness can be learned. And the process is the same, no matter how severe the offense. Of course, the worse the offense, the harder one must work to achieve forgiveness. Forgiveness training first involves having a clear understanding of forgiveness. Remember, forgiveness is not condoning, pardoning or excusing the offender. It is acknowledging that although you may not be responsible for what happened, you are fully responsible for your long-term attitude. In-depth forgiveness is not an epiphany or a one-time event. It takes practice and patience. But the rewards are powerful. Research has shown that just having an intellectual understanding of forgiveness is not enough. Practices such as journal writing and visualization help to calm and reorient the mind, body and emotions. Getting Started Stress reduction research has found that writing about important personal experiences in an emotional way for as little as 15 minutes over the course of three days can improve mental and physical health. You can begin your forgiveness journey by keeping a Forgiveness Journal. The following Five Steps (see worksheet) will help you begin the process of forgiveness by developing self-awareness and sorting through your emotions. Step 1: UNDERSTAND FORGIVENESS AND DECIDE TO FORGIVE: Allow yourself to be honest: you may not be ready to forgive. You may need more information about forgiveness to determine if you are ready to begin the process. First, realize that forgiveness can be either an altruistic act or a gift to yourself. Forgiveness does not require that you reconcile with the offender. It does not require that you pardon, condone or excuse the offending behavior. It does require that you wish to assume responsibility for your own behaviors and emotions. If you have made the choice, write down your willingness to have forgiveness as a goal. Just making the decision that “I need to stop being furious with _____” is a powerful beginning. Step 2: ACKNOWLEDGE PAINFUL EMOTIONS To really let go of your grievance, you need to release not only the memory of what happened, but also the feelings that you had at the time. If you just try to let go of the memory without getting in touch with the feelings, your forgiveness will only be intellectual. You can’t achieve peace of mind without first admitting to, then letting go of the actual feelings. Fully acknowledge the painful emotions caused by the grievance. Don't try to “forgive and forget.” Trying to forget is a form of denial that doesn’t work. A crucial step in healing is actually allowing yourself to fully feel your pain. Think about how you were hurt and how you feel right now. In order to forgive, you have to remember. Confront your resentment, pain and anger. This isn’t easy – but you can’t let go of emotions that you haven’t first fully owned. For the next entry in your Forgiveness Journal (after you’ve written out your intent to forgive), remember one specific grievance and describe what happened. What did the offender do? If you are forgiving yourself, what did you do? How did you feel at the time it happened? Be brutally honest with yourself. Go beneath the surface. If you just remember feeling anger, can you identify that there was hurt and sadness beneath the anger? How about shame and feelings of worthlessness? If you’re forgiving yourself, did you feel jealous or inferior at the time? How has the grievance affected your life? How does the grievance affect you today? Now list some of the ways you have attempted to remedy the problem. Did you express your feelings to the offender? If you are forgiving yourself, how have you attempted to take responsibility for your action and make amends? You can’t begin to forgive yourself if you’ve never attempted to make amends. Step 3: UNCOVER YOUR RESISTANCE In order to forgive, you must fully evaluate what you stand to lose if you let go of your grievance. When people come into therapy, I generally tell them that there is risk involved in developing their self-awareness. The more self-aware we are, the more we know we must change. Change can often be frightening – but it leads to growth. For your next Journal entries, describe in writing what life will be like without constantly carrying the grievance in your heart. Here are some thought-starters: Do you use anger as a way to make you feel safe? Do you use guilt or anger to control or manipulate others? Do you use the grievance as a way to avoid communication? Do you use silence as a weapon? Do you hold onto the pain from the past as an excuse for not taking charge of your life today? Do you secretly wish to punish the offender? Begin to uncover your own resistance to the forgiveness process. You may believe that if you forgive the offender, it is a sign of weakness, and you will experience a loss of control or power. Or you may not be ready to give up your desire for vindication. You may want to retaliate and cause the person who hurt you to suffer as much as you. But remember: unless you learn to let go of the pain from the past, *you* continue to give the offender the power to control you – and your long term health. Step 4. CHANGE YOUR PERCEPTION Empathy involves seeing things from another person’s point of view, feeling the person’s feelings and identifying with the pressures that made the person hurt you or made you hurt another. Learn to change your perception of the offender through developing empathy and compassion. If you can see that the offender didn’t intend to hurt you personally – but was acting out of his/her own pain and fear -- then forgiveness becomes easier. Try to understand the offender in the context of the whole of his or her life. *Henry* *Wadsworth* *Longfellow said it best:* “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” Empathy is essential for forgiveness. It means imagining life from the perspective of the offender. Try to imagine walking in the offender’s shoes. What was his or her life like growing up? What was happening at the time of the offense? Remember, when people act badly, their behavior is always coming from a place of internal pain. A person who has an open and loving heart does not hurt others. And as you begin to empathize, your own heart will soften, and it will be easier to develop the compassion that forgiveness requires. In your next journal entries, try to see the grievance objectively. Think about these questions, and write down your responses: Forgiving Others Is there anything in the other person’s background that could explain the offensive behavior? What was his/her life like growing up? Write down what you think may have been happening at the time of the offense. What was the offender’s self-image at the time? How would your offender explain the harmful acts? Try to figure out what the motivation might have been. Self-Forgiveness If you’re forgiving yourself, use your journal to record your development of self-compassion. We learn self-compassion by remembering that when we behave badly, it is because of deep feelings of pain. Remember, we forgive ourselves for doing wrong—not being wrong. If you are forgiving yourself, write down your responses to these questions: Was the offense an accident? Were you negligent or did you offend on purpose? Is there anything in your background that would explain your hurtful, inconsiderate or otherwise poor behavior? What feelings and pressures made you behave badly? Continue to work in your journey and keep a written record of your progress in cultivating compassionate thoughts and behavior. Step 5: Mind-Body Strategies The decision alone is not enough. Forgiveness must be learned via an ongoing process. As you continue to record your thoughts in your Forgiveness Journal, try the following exercises to help you release the pain from the past and find inner peace. VENT YOUR EMOTIONS: Write in your Journal (but don’t send) a Forgiveness Letter in which you express your feelings to the person you are forgiving or asking forgiveness from. COMPOSE A NEW STORY: Write a new narrative about yourself where you go from being a victim – to a hero! Begin by trying to view the situation differently. See yourself as having done the best you could under difficult circumstances (remember: you didn’t know then what you know now). Perhaps you had no power to change the situation. Or maybe you were bound by other obligations. What meaning, other than the offense to you, can you find in what happened? The story always ends with you as victor: you have fought your way to a new understanding of your life and the other person, and through forgiveness, you have mastered your emotions, cleansed yourself of pain, and determined that it is you who are in control from now on! Visualization: Sit in a comfortable position with your eyes closed. Take a few deep, cleansing breaths. Relax your body, starting with your feet and moving up to your head. Imagine that you are breathing in and out through the heart and allow the spaciousness of your heart to expand. Visualize the person you have decided to forgive, and bring the image of the offender into your heart. Imagine that an energy cord connects you both. Wish the person well and then affirm, “I am releasing the pain from the past.” And then cut the cord. Affirmation: Every day, affirm in writing your decision to forgive (e.g., “I am letting go of the past and I forgive __________”). Self-Talk: Monitor the silent conversations that go on in your head. Are you still replaying the grudge in your mind? Do you hear yourself having angry, resentful thoughts about the offender? Do you still hear yourself blaming? You can challenge this self-talk by asking yourself, “Would I rather be right or would I rather have peace of mind?” Meditation/Prayer: Asking God or a Higher Power for help can support the forgiveness process. Stress Busters: When you find anger and resentment building, focus on your breath. Notice the physical sensation of breathing in and out, and mentally recite words such as "peace" or "love" with each breath. Or you can take a walk, listen to soothing music, remember pleasant memories, and enjoy the beauty of nature. Cultivate Gratitude: Remember that no matter what happened in the past, you still have much to be thankful for. Devote a section of your Forgiveness Journal to gratitude. Before you go to bed each night, list five things that you are grateful for. You may even be grateful for learning to forgive. Remember, the more you learn to forgive others, the easier it becomes to forgive yourself! You can find additional exercises on this website as well as in other resources and links. GOOD LUCK!

	ABOUT US \| HISTORY & PHILOSOPHY \| FAQ's \| BENEFITS \| HOW TO \| EXERCISES \| RESOURCES \| CONTACT