FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

What is the difference between interpersonal forgiveness and intrapersonal forgiveness?

When we practice interpersonal forgiveness, the goal is reconciliation; both parties mut be involved.

Intrapersonal forgiveness takes place only within the individual. It does not require the interaction between two parties, and reconciliation (although it may happen) is not the goal.

How can I reconcile with my spouse after a betrayal?

Forgiveness generally consists of three stages, each of which has cognitive, behavioral, and affective components. Furthermore, these stages seem to parallel a person's natural response to traumatic stress.

• We respond to the initial impact.
• We attempt to give the event some kind of meaning.
• Finally, we begin to move forward and readjust.

“Moving forward and readjusting” means, we….

• develop a realistic, nondistorted, balanced view of the marital relationship,
• are no longer controlled by negative feelings toward our partner,
• have a lessened desire to punish our spouse.

If I practiced forgiveness, would I be healthier?

It’s very likely that you would. Bearing a grudge and refusing to forgive can cause chronic stress to the body as well as the mind.

Lack of forgiveness can create an avalanche of stress hormones.

• It increases production of cortisol and epinephrine, which leads
  to changes in heart rate and blood pressure.
• It raises levels of catecholamine and CD8, which suppresses
  the immune system thus increasing the risk of viral infection.
• Leads to the release of histamines, which can trigger severe
  bronchoconstriction in people with asthma.

Chronic stress also...

• Alters insulin levels.
• Alters the acid concentration in the stomach.
• Causes plaque buildup in the arteries.
• Causes or intensifies aches and pains.
• Raises anxiety levels.
• Causes depression.
• Interferes with intimate and social relationships.
• Affects sleep and appetite.
• Affects job performance.

Why is forgiveness so hard?

Forgiveness may be hard because of such factors as….

• type and length of relationship
• history of hurtful behavior
• perceived intentionality of the offender
• elapsed time
• the risk of change
• biological deficits (see next FAQ)

What are the biological factors in forgiveness?

Brain imaging technology has shown that an unhealthy anterior cingulate gyrus and basal ganglia can cause…

• problems in shifting attention
• worrying, rumination
• holding on to hurts from past – inability to relinquish grudges
• cognitive inflexibility
• conflict avoidance

These problems can greatly reduce an individual’s ability to forgive.

Also, researchers have associated the temporal lobes and the deep limbic system with spiritual behavior and spiritual experiences. These parts of the brain can affect…

• personality and mood stability
• accurate reading of social situations
• control over temper
• access to spiritual experience
• positive mood and emotional tone

These factors can make it easier for an individual to forgive.

Are there psychological factors that influence the ability to forgive?

Not surprisingly, people who are inclined to forgive tend to be more emotionally stable; they are easy- going, less moody, more agreeable, and better able to handle negative emotions and criticism.

People who are inclined to forgive have a high capacity for empathy, whereas a narcissist is least likely to be able to forgive.

Narcissism is present in everyone to varying degrees. A certain degree of self-focus and self-regard is healthy. But a truly narcissistic individual – someone with a personality disorder -- lacks empathy, is hypersensitive to criticism, has a sense of entitlement, and is insensitive to the needs of others. These are the individuals who, when they experience an injury, use vengeful fantasies in order to repair their self-esteem.

What are the areas that have been researched in the field of forgiveness?

• Incest
• Rape
• Betrayal
• Parental Neglect
• Marital betrayal
• AIDS in context of relationships and in society
• 6th graders and anger
• PTS after criminal assault
• Adjustment to physical disability
• War Traumas

• Genocide in Rwanda
• Campaign for Forgiveness (Desmond Tutu in South Africa )
• War refugees living in Chicago
• Northern Ireland
• Overcoming trauma from military service in Vietnam

The body of research on forgiveness continues to grow.

What does forgiveness training consist of?

Training typically employs two modalities:

• Cognitive/Conceptual Training

  -- education about forgiveness through lecture or discussion in a safe environment

  -- exploration of where you are in the forgiveness process

• Mind-Body Techniques

  -- journal writing

  -- guided imagery

  -- movement

  -- dream interpretation

  -- the arts

There is another category of interventions that seem very powerful but have not been researched as yet:

• Third Era Medicine Techniques: This category denotes non-local healing strategies such as…prayer, energy medicine, the power of intention, and consciously using the energy around the heart.

What is the Pyramid Model?

The following is a copy of the Pyramid Model by Everett Worthington, Jr.

Recall the Hurt. When we are hurt, we often try to protect ourselves by denying our hurt. We think, often correctly, that if we don't think about it, it won't bother us. But if unforgiveness keeps intruding into your happiness or gnawing ulcers in your gut, consider forgiving. Recall the hurt as objectively as possible. Don't rail against the person who hurt you, waste time wishing for an apology that will never be offered, or dwell on your victimization. Instead, admit that a wrong was done to you and set your sights on its repair.

Empathize. Empathy involves seeing things from another person's point of view, feeling that person's feelings, and identifying with the pressures that made the person hurt you. To empathize with your offender's experience, write a brief letter to yourself as if you were the other person. How would he or she explain the harmful acts?

Altruistic gift of forgiveness. Empathy can prepare you for forgiving, but to give that gift of forgiveness, consider yourself. Have you ever harmed or offended a friend, a parent, or a partner who later forgave you? Think about your guilt. Then consider the way you felt when you were forgiven. Most people say, "I felt free. The chains were broken." Forgiveness can unshackle people from their interpersonal guilt. By recalling your own guilt and the gratitude over being forgiven, you can develop the desire to give that gift of freedom to the person who hurt you.

Commit to forgive. When you forgive, you can eventually doubt that you have forgiven. When people remember a previous injury or offense, they often interpret it as evidence that they must not have forgiven. If you make your forgiveness tangible, you are less likely to doubt it later. Tell a friend, partner, or counselor that you have forgiven the person who hurt you. Write a "certificate of forgiveness," stating that you have, as of today, forgiven.

Holding onto forgiveness. When you have doubts about whether you have forgiven, remind yourself of the Pyramid, refer to your certificate of forgiveness, and tell yourself that a painful memory does not disqualify the hard work of forgiveness that you have done. Instead of trying to stop thoughts of unforgiveness, think positively about the forgiveness you have experienced. If you continue to doubt your forgiveness, work back through the Pyramid.